The day my heart skipped a beat (Feb 16, 2011)
This day was going to be a good day or so I was hopeful (optimistic). It's Wednesday, February 16th, my day began at 4:13 a.m. I woke up, prayed, showered and prayed more. Now, let me be honest here; I never pray this much. But, I probably should. Now I'm not a band wagon prayer either, I just don't pray as often as I should or could. But when I do pray they're genuine and heart felt and usually isn't in a time of need or despair. I just pray to pray, because I feel it. But right now, I’m a praying machine! I can think of maybe 3 other times in my entire life where I have prayed so hard with so much faith and intensity. Praying so hard I cannot hear what is going on around me. Good vibes, positive thoughts and prayer is what I have. Moving along....
I cut fresh flowers to surprise Sally since she adores flowers. I packed her a bag of items she requested and I even had time to juice my breakfast (day2 of a fast), all before 5 am. AWESOMENESS!
I had my day planned out in my head. I'd sit and read at my sister in laws bedside while she slept. She has been pretty restless, but who could blame her, especially on day 6 of her hospital stay. Today would be a big day. The day we would find out if the tumor they found in her colon on Friday is cancerous or not. Or, is it a benign blob just there waiting to be found and removed from her body before further damage could be done?.. As I prepared to tip-toe into her room (as I had several mornings prior), I noticed the light on, she'd already been waken to have her blood drawn by the hospital vampires. Sally looked as though she had been awake for a little while. Neither she nor I said much. I wanted her to rest before either the Angels of mercy or the grim reaper crew (medical team and doctor) came in to give the news of the biopsy, CAT-scan and PET-scan. Suddenly I notice that I am finding it difficult to stay cool, calm and collected as I always am in tough situations. I excused myself for a moment so that I could take a deep breath say a quick prayer for strength and walked in calm and strong. It worked! I feel like I can pull it off. So, I sat with Sally in her room as her roommate (aka the diva) griped about the light being on and not being comfortable. Normally I wouldn't focus on something so small but it helped keep the focus off the uncertainty of the news we were waiting for.
Alas.. They're here. GULP! Shit! They're here! Its 7:10, my stomach is so nervous that I begin to tremble internally as I do when I know without a doubt; bad news is coming (sigh). I quickly move from my seat and sit next to Sally on her bed. I put my hand on her hand and leg. We both look at one another and take a deep breath. The whole team of maybe 6 or 7 members makes their way in the room, one by one. They all seemed to avoid making eye contact with either of us, only adding to our anxiety. The doctor spoke in general terms. Never uttering the words you have colon cancer. The team spoke in general terms of other colorectal cancer patients. Sally is visually upset, but she is also trying to take in all of the information. She had a puzzled look on her face. I can't tell what she was thinking, partially because I didn't know what the heck I was thinking. An awkward moment of silence came across the room. Not one sound, I mean complete silence.
I took a deep breath as I held Sally's hand in my hands, caressing them. I asked with much hesitation “doctor are you saying she has colorectal cancer "? The doctor replied, “Yes. Ms. Tallo has colorectal metastatic cancer, we're sorry.” He goes on to say "expect a visit from oncology, gynecology, and surgical team" etc etc. At this point, I tuned him out (not on purpose). His mouth was moving but nothing was coming out. I was now numb, physically numb, my hands, feet and my arms all tingled then I felt limbless. Snap out of it, I thought to myself. Stay strong for Sally, pull yourself together! So, there I was, I was in complete mom mode. In that instant I wanted to take Sally's pain from hearing those terrible words and take them on myself. I wanted to erase it from her memory like they do on television. WHY dammit, why?!! Damn.. I cannot fix this. I remember as the doctors left the room, thinking "please come back and tell us you're wrong, please spare her this pain".. Wishful thinking! The process of preparing for this news was in vain. It hurt like a son of a bitch and I don't want them to come back with anymore news! I wanted to lock her room and hold her and protect her while she wept. Ughh.... My Sally bear is sick. My heart sank as I watched my sister's reaction. My heart skipped a beat. I literally felt an abrupt thud in my chest. Could it have been that my heart really skipped a beat?
My breath stuck at an inhale, tears filled my eyes as I held her, she slowly sank lower and lower into her pillows, squeezing my hand. Silence.... A silent cry. HUGE tears rolling down both of our faces. I knew there was nothing neither I, nor anyone for that matter could say to make this ok for her. All I could say was "Sally, my love, I cannot even pretend that I have the right thing to say". "truth is, is I don't. But please know and remember always you're not alone, you will *not* be alone. I will be with you every-step of the way, we will go through this together with the many people you have praying for you, rooting for you. I love you so much!" We cried more. The tears were off and on for what seemed like forever. Truly it wasn't that long. I asked Sally if she wanted to be alone, she said yes. She also wanted me to break the news to the family. Really, it's the very least I can do for her right no after being given devastating news.. It must be done. I will respect her wish to be alone and her wish for me to tell her family. As I prepared to give her some time alone, I kissed her on her forehead and told her I loved her. As I walked away to, I look back at her. Her eyes are closed, she's on her side curled in the fetal position, tears rolling down her sad beautiful face but not a sound. My heart ached and still aches for her. I don't want to leave her alone. I want to hold her and cry with her. What I really want to do is take the cancer from her body and kill it! I want to stomp on it and rip it to shreds. I want science to have found a cure for this awful thing before it could have infected her, I want so badly for the results to be wrong! I want it all to go away!!!. I walked away, crying, head low, hands trembling, my stomach in a knot. The words just repeating over and over in my head. Ms. Tallo has colorectal cancer, over and over at least 100 times before I could manage to compose myself long enough to give the devastating news to my husband and his siblings. Time to tell the family..
I cannot continue to type through my tears; Maybe another day. please excuse me. :(
